“I’ll lend you for a little time a child of mine.” He said, “For you to love her while she lives and mourn for when she’s dead.”
I’ve had trouble sleeping the last few nights and at this very moment, I find myself fighting back tears.
Right at this moment, I feel somewhat disconnected from everything around me. I find my mind wandering back to 14 years ago today. At that time, I was pregnant awaiting the arrival of my daughter Katie. Who would have known that five weeks following June 17th, my life would change and I would learn one of life’s hardest lessons of all.
My daughter was ours for those five weeks, but just not ours to keep. After my daughter’s death I tried very hard to understand why God would do such a cruel thing. I had thought all my life that his job was to love. For a long time, I blamed him.
It wasn’t until my mother took ill that I begun to understand.
Though Katie was only in my life a short time, she made an impact on my life.
When I close my eyes, I see fragile long lashes, her eyes first opening, tiny finger’s that grasped onto mine. These are things that I’ll never forget and though Katie’s time on earth was short lived, the memories will live with me forever. I don’t think one every truly stops grieving and how we grieve is so personal and different for everyone.
I’ve met some that never talk about the loss of their child and then there are those who reach out, just hoping to talk to someone who understands what they are going through.
I realize that many won’t know what Saturday is. They have no way of understanding why I’m extremely moody this time of year. They won’t know why I’m so withdrawn and that’s ok, they are not expected to. For them Saturday will be just another day, but for me it will be a day of what if. It will be a day that I’ll celebrate my daughter’s birth and greive for God called her home too soon.
It will be the day that I’ll whisper, “Happy Birthday Katie” and hope she hears me.
I do hope she’s celebrating in heaven.If you liked this post, why not buy me a coffee?